我一直是很麻木的人，但曾经有一段时间我的生活起伏澎湃，所以感受狂多。后来不知是起茧了，还是生活趋于平淡，再也没有感觉了。

I’ve always been a numb person. Even though, I used to feel alot because my life was up and down (like earthquake). Maybe because I had enough, or my life went even, I no longer feel anything.

说不定还是一直过平淡的生活好啊，就可以习惯感受琐碎的小事了。日本人吃的清淡到底是好啊。

I’m wondering if I can feel little things if my life had always been boring. It’s good for Japanese that they eat tasteless food.  (Gee, how can I express it in English?!)

不过也有可能，我天生SENSOR弱，若是生活一直平淡就一辈子没有过感觉了。

But maybe I was born with a weak sensor. I would had no feeling at all if my life was forever boring.

像无数个夜晚一样，我坐在电脑前，疯狂地点击网页，祈望能看到某件事，某句话，带给我安慰。很累了，心有点隐隐作痛，窗外的鸟都叫了，但是我还是不肯上床。我一直不知道这个毛病叫什么，或者叫它空虚症。我像一个饥饿的人疯狂搜寻食物，但是所有都是虚无。

Like all the other nights, I’m sitting in front of my computer, clicking millions of links, in the hope of seeing some event, a sentence that will comfort me. I’m so tired that my heart start aching. The birds start singing outside. I still don’t wanna go to bed. I never know how to call this symptom, maybe we can call it emptiness. I’m like a hungry man in the desprate search for food, all in vain.

I’ve been constantly thinking about what have I learned about photography, what have I learned since I came to US.

Three years ago, I had no idea what photography is. To me, it was just sth interesting & fresh, compared to my graphic design job. I had the opportunity to change myself again. I came here to learn photography, honestly, I was hoping I could be a “real photographer”. By “real” I mean someone with professional skills, who can make money with more freedom (like the photographer in “Blow-up”). I had no idea what kind of photos I wanna take, I just wished I could take good photos no matter what I shoot, where I shoot.

Then came a series of surprise, confusion & collision. I was surprised that photographer should think more than they see. I was confused to talk about my photos as art work. & I definitely didn’t think myself as artist. “Photographers are not artists.” That was my firm belief. To me, art is sth too far away.

Thanks to all the teachers & fellow students & other friends here, I am changed. I shoot photo projects & almost projects only. I start looking at other artists & try to be one of them. I learned more about myself psychologically thru my photographs.

But have I learned how to photograph? Have I achieved my initial goal? I’m afraid not. I’m still struggling with my techniques & my image quality. & I’ve never ever made any money from photography & I don’t even see the potential. I’m making photographs & enjoying them but I don’t see them being useful to anyone else. The worst part is I don’t wanna take pictures that can sell, & I can’t.

So til now, photography has become my self-healing process.

Will this medium be my final choice? I don’t know. But right now I’m into it.

I’ve been shooting with film since I started learning photography officially. Before that I was using crappy digital cameras. I’m always happy about the color & dynamic range of color negatives & I don’t think I’ve seen any digital photos look as good as film. But I’m going to do my thesis & my teacher Larry suggested me switch to digital. A canon 40D is what he recommended & I can afford. He said I can get better result shooting with a good digital camera & doing the right way. He’s going to teach me how to do it in digital. He switched to digital about 2 years ago, & he totally believed in digital now.
I know if I work in digital, it will be way more efficient & practical in the future. & maybe I’ll be forced into digital anyway cause the school’s color machine is dying.

My problem with dslrs is I don’t trust them. I have a Nikon D70 & the quality is so poor that I rarely use it. Although people have been telling me digital is good but I haven’t seen any digital photos that have the quality of film. & I searched the camera, it’s 3888 x 2592 pixels. If I output it at 254 p/i, the size is only 10″x15″. Right now I’m using 6×4.5 & 4×5, although the largest size I can print with enlarger is 16″x20″. I even like the scanning files better than the RAW files.

So if you know about digital, show me some real good examples of digital photos. I really love the color of ANNIE LEIBOVITZ. Those colors look so dense that it almost feels like dripping, creamy & greasy. Yummy!

I think she used digital in her latest work which the color is not so good anymore (but still better than other photographers).

Maybe I just have a very perticular taste for color or I haven’t seen the real good digital photos.

I don’t know her. But since I saw her photos in “American PHOTO On Campus” magazine, I cannot forget about them. So I came back & looked for her photos. There’re definitely some similarities between her work & mine.

“Situating myself as an object in carefully constructed settings, I try to capture moments of emotional crisis and social disconnection in everyday life. A combination of contradictory emotions—uprightness and vulnerability, humor and tragedy—often inhabit my work.”

I can totally feel her feelings (at least I think) when she’s making the photos. The feeling of “I have to make this idea of image happen. It will look so nice.” That’s what I feel when I’m taking my good photos.

I also see the similarity thru the rigid pose of these pictures, a feeling of formality(拘谨). We both came from Asia, out of a graphic design background.

I love her choice of color but somehow I feel the final images look a little dirty. She has a strong sense of certain fashion. & her images are darker than mine. They remind me of Korean horror movies.

She probably graduated from University of Pennsylvania in 2007. There’s really not so much about her online. I hope she’s still in US & maybe we can be friends.

Taking one’s creation too seriously

Some books, movies, and other literary works end up being unintentionally funny because they are comically clichéd or overwrought, despite appearing to be earnest and serious efforts by their creators. Examples are “so bad they’re good” movies and the style of bad writing celebrated by the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.

from wikipedia

thoughts about my deadpan pictures.

Everytime before the show, I need to worry about the presentation. To me, mounting & framing & all that photo finishing stuff is a whole new world. They use a completely different terminology that I can hardly understand.

Last time I had my prints mounted on Sintra board & put frame on the back of the board(called floater). The result looks pretty good, my photo just floated on the wall. However, I’m not satisfied with durability of it. At the same time I want sth glossy on top of it. So I checked online finally I found this. So if possible I’d like to have my print face mounted to plexiglass & back mouted to sintra board & then put the floater on the back of it. If that’s workable, & affordable, I’d like to do it this time. Hope my local lab can do it.

Another option is like the one I saw in Alec Soth’s show.

Probably the same thing here:

I think it is like print back mounted to Sintra board (or others) & then put into a shadow box. I went to Michael’s & looked for shadow boxes, but none of them look good. I want the shadow box be very shallow, simple, white. They all kind look too “crafty”, sometimes even with a stupid lock on it. I don’t know if I can find a more contemporary smart looking shadow box or those are specially made frame or what.

 Wait! I found this. Exactly what I want! But it is in Europe. Where can I do this in US?

So, I tried MPI, they cannot do it. Bennett said it’s too risky, he no longer does that. Chase, help!

Places I found online, but no time to try this time, maybe next time.
http://photo.net/bboard/q-and-a-fetch-msg?msg_id=007plv
http://www.imageimpactinc.com/imageimpactinc/price_frames.asp
http://www.wilcovak.nl/uk/index.htm
http://www.fourblankwalls.co.uk/index.html
http://shop.sentiam.com/

上周四那个瓢泼大雨的下午，我又去看了一遍他的展览，作为摄影史课的一部分。我一直在想为什么我对他的作品总是有一种抵触情绪在，后来我老师说了一句话提醒了我。我忘记他具体说什么了，大致是说Alec Soth的肖像作品，是很阴暗的，经常描写贫困和孤立的感觉。绝对不是那种赞美式的照片。看他照片看多了，我觉得也不是能说一概不喜欢他的照片。有些照片的确很好，但是让我受不了的是他的某些照片是那种让我看了就反感的照片。也许就是那种不舒服感让我没办法接受他。我还是那种很注重表面的人啊。

I went to see Alec Soth’s “Tunnels & Birds” show again last Thursday afternoon. I was wondering why I always have resistance to his work. Then David said sth reminded me. I can’t remember what he exactly said, he meant Alec Soth’s work lot of time portrays poverty & feeling of isolation. They are not complementary photographs. I can’t say I don’t like his photos at all. Some photos are really great, but there are photos revolt me. Maybe it’s the uneasiness keeps me from appreciating his work. So maybe  I’m a formalist.

另一点我注意到的是他的展示方法。图示：
His way of presenting his work attracts my attention.

楼上是一组5幅的地道照片。基本是黑白的，除了花和标志意外。黑框。本来表面有树脂玻璃，后来因为反光去掉了。画幅很大。我一直在猜这是北京哪里呢，难道是王陵？我觉得这五幅照片比较cheesy。颜色和装裱都过于MOODY了。

这次展览是他的B-SIDES作品。也就是他主要PROJECT以外的边上的作品。像他那么有名的摄影师当然有无数展出机会了，多到可以展出自己的B-SIDES作品。有时候自己拍的照片，明知道不是最好，但是也觉得还是有优点的，并且想说不定别人看了也会喜欢呢。但是我觉得还是不展的好，再怎么说投入的精力和产出的结果，都是明眼人可以看出来的。当然他那么有名，另当别论。

5 photos of tunnels shown as a panorama are on the upper floor. They are basically black and white, except for the flower and the sign. There used to be plexi glass onto of the photo, they were taken away due to the glare. I was wondering where these tunnels are in

This show is his B-side work, from side projects he did. A famous photographer like him have many exhibitions, so many that he has chances to show his b-sides. Sometimes when I take some pictures, I know they are not my best, but still think they have some strongpoint. So maybe somebody else will like them, I will think. But still I think it’s better not showing your b-sides. Cause the amount of energy you put into your work, the result of the work, any smart people can tell as much as you do. But since he’s a celebrity, it’s another case.

楼下地下室有一幅大彩色照片，4幅小的黑白鸟照，其中大彩照左右两边各一幅，对面墙上一幅，厕所一幅。

我比较喜欢那张大彩照的装裱，估计和上次贴的Richard Renaldi是差不多的。原来玻璃和画面有1厘米距离，这样就免去了MATTE BOARD。而且照片大概是DRYMOUNT到什么板上的，也很平整。这样就两全其美了，又平整，又有玻璃光泽。

I like the way the big color photo was presented. There’s about 1 cm distance between the photo & the glass, thus avoiding the matte board. The photo is probably dry mounted onto some kind of board, very flat. It makes the best of both worlds, flat & glossy at the same time.

鸟照的装裱很特别，用了很厚的MATTE BOARD，然后把照片贴在当中，类似于印刷品的装裱。从装裱方式和挂放方式看（很大的一面墙放很小的照片），都是有一种很亲密的感觉。但是照片本身又截然相反，有一种疏远的感觉。

The presentation of bird portraits is very unique. He uses really thick matte board & pasted the photos in the center, almost like printmaking. From the way it’s framed & installed, it gives you a very intimate feeling. But the photos are going the opposite way, very distant & isolated.

http://chasemalone.com/?p=39  My classmate’s notes on the show. He took better pictures than I did.

上周令人高兴的是我被JEN BEKMAN blog了。记得去年冬天去纽约时专门去了JEN BEKMAN的画廊，可惜那天关门了，正好有展出我喜欢的Ye Rin Mok和Dana Miller的作品。那天我站在画廊外张望里面的样子，心想着哪天要是自己也能在这里展出就好了。我一直想参加HEY, HOT SHOT，但是总觉得自己还不到火候，所以一直在准备之中。

自从知道这件事以后，我一直在猜测别人喜欢我的照片什么呢？坦率的说，那张我趴在树丛上的照片并不是我的最爱。但是至今我得到的结论是，一般那些介于自己的意图和意外之间的作品往往更受欢迎。就好比自己的靶子总是要偏一点才能射到别人的靶子上，射自己的靶子的太准别人一般是没有反应的。也许我是在胡说，但是我大概是这么理解的。

I was glad that Jen Bekman blogged me last week. Last winter when I was in NY, I paid a visit to JenBekman’s gallery. But unfortunately it was closed. I was going to see the work of my favorite photographers Ye Rin Mok & Dana Miller. I said to myself it would be so great if I can show my work here when I was peeking thru the window. I’ve been always wanted to apply for Hey, Hot Shot, but never felt I’m ready for it, even til now.

Since I knew the answer to my sudden fame, I’ve been guessing why people like my photos. Honestly, the one I was lying on the bush wasn’t among my favorites. But I’ve get a conclusion that usually the work in between my attention & accident is more popular. It’s like you have to miss your own target a little bit so that you can hit other people’s target. If you shoot right into your own target, other people don’t feel so much. Maybe I’m just havering, but basically that’s how I feel. 

why suddenly so many people added me as a contact on flickr today? is it because msjenbee  favored one of my photo or what? Doesn’t look like so. Just random people keep adding me as contact out of nowhere. But none of them favored my photos. Feeling like an online suspension movie.