阅读恐惧症是我从小就有的。打小看到密密麻麻的字我就头大，一定要图画多于字的书才敢看。这和后来我得了失语症也是有联系的。如今人长大了，不读书就被别人认为文盲。读MASTER以后，要看理论书基本上是逃不掉的了，实在是很难为我。当然也有看理论书也有心情澎湃的时候，虽然我大半没读懂，只是偶然对个别词语句子可以产生共鸣。语言真是一种害人的东西，自从语言发明以后，人的思想也被训练成了语言，却忘记了混沌的意识。可不可以拒绝文字和理论只是闭着眼睛在大海里沉浮呢？另外有了阅读恐惧症后，也连带了有了一种恐知识分子症。

For my American fellows, I try to translate my blog into English. Due to my insufficiency in English & also my poor language ability, these articles might be a totally different thing from what i really wanna say. like being dupped twice thru the VCR. anyways, you’ll try your best to guess my meaning.

I have a fear for reading since I was a child. Whenever I see pages full of text, I feel headache. I am only willing to read text along with images. This also results in  my aphasia later on. As I grow up, I realize people will treat me as illiterate if I don’t read. & When I went to grad school, I’m forced to read theory books, it’s killing me. Sometimes theory books do excite me, although I can hardly grasp half of it.That only happens when I can resonate with certain words or sentances. Language is a pest. Since language was invented, people have been trained to think in language & forget about the unconsciousness. Can anyone refuse languages & theories just to feel it from the heart?

PS, Since I have a fear for reading, I have a fear for highbrows too.

这是我在半做梦状态中造出来的一个形容自己现状的最贴切的词。是不是“生活”我记不清楚了。我不知道其他人有没有也有得这种毛病的。就是你越来越觉得自己所谓的生活乐趣和生活意义变得越来越狭窄，以至于除了某一两件事外，其他一切都引不起自己的注意了。

我语言能力低下，越是要我说明一件事我越是说不出一句完美准确的句子。只有做梦的时候才会冒出精辟至极的词语来。比如“虫龙”、“王去”。。。 我的语言能力已经被埋到潜意识里去了。

另外http://www.20×200.com/。JEN BECKMAN画廊新推的网上售艺术品网站。20美元一副8X10的照片或者画。等以后它们出了我喜欢的摄影师的照片，一定要买啊！！！

This is the word I created during my dream, which can best describe my current status. I’m not sure it was “life” astrophy or not. I wonder if anyone else has the same kind of symptom. You feel the happiness or the meaning of your life is shrinking. To the point that there’re only one or two things can arrouse your interest.

I’m not good at putting things into words. Whenever I want to explain sth, I can never find the exact sentence for it. The most precise words only come in my dreams. Like “Bug Dragon”, “King Gone” (Trust me, these words do make sense in Chinese, also far more meaningful & interesting), etc.. My language ability is buried in my subconsciousness.

One other thing. Check out http://www.20×200.com/. Only $20 for a 8×10 print.

今天受某摄影师的恩惠，我有幸在当地一个比较高级的画廊展出了照片一共六幅。这次是我有史以来参加的人数最少的展览了。
我现在已经不得不开始接受花钱装裱照片的概念了。第一次学期结束，我惊讶地得知我需要花近100美元去MATTE我的作业。上个学期因为舍不得花钱装裱作业，受到批评。现在终于发觉自己已经受不了拱起来的照片了。一个也是因为照片越印越大，不装起来没法看。这次展览我犹豫了好久怎么装，如果MATTE再FRAME，不是CUSTOM的话，照片也要重印，也要进100一张，而且不一定效果好。如果买现成的CLIP FRAME，直接放进去，虽然便宜，但是感觉太惨了。（很惊讶自己会觉得不上档次）所以后来我决定送到店里DRYMOUNT到一种塑料板上，然后后面是可以挂的框，这样照片就直接突起在墙上，很简洁干净，大概30美元一张，价格还可以接受。只有期盼着能卖掉一幅回本了。然后又发觉虽然看起来效果是好，但是不经用，照片磕碰不起，因为直接在外面，有点象一次性用品，除非就永远挂一面墙上不去碰了。然后又听了别人建议后，觉得自己印16X20还是太小了，盼望着以后可以印大，不过目前为止，我是没钱印更大的作品的。我已经开始一步一步接受过去我嗤之以鼻的那一套高档画廊艺术了。不知道是我被同化，还是这是必经之路。

Thanks to Ian Lemmonds, I’m honored to show 6 pieces in a local art gallery.

Now I have to accept the idea that I need to spend money on presentations. At the end of my 1st semester, I was surprised to know I need to spend almost $100 to matte my final portfolios (Giving the fact I’d never been in an art school, & in China I can do lots of things with $100). I got a A- last semester partly because I begrudged on the presentation. Now I found myself can’t stand those unflat prints. The other reason is I’m print bigger & bigger, it’s hard to see it unless it’s proper presented. I hesitated alot on how to present my work for this show. If I frame & matte them, even not custom framed, it will cost me $100 a piece. But still it can’t achieve my expectations. If I use the readymade clip frame, it’s cheap but looks poor. (I’m surprised to know that I will feel the presentation is poor). In the end, I decided to send them to lab & backmounted to sentra board with floating frame in the back. So that the print looks floated on the wall, simple & clean. It cost $30 a piece, not too bad. My only hope is that I can sell one to break even.(It failed.) It looks great on the wall, but too fragile. The print surface is easily damaged because there’s no protection. It almost like a one time shot, unless it’s put on a wall & never be touched again. & also I want to print them larger than 16×20. Up til now, I can’t afford to present them any bigger. Now I begin to appreciate those gallery high art presentation(which I used to sniffed at) little by little. I don’t know whether I’m being assimilated or it’s the way everybody else has to go thru.

我过去一直相信IMAGE本身的价值高于一切，可能过分相信了，照片的印刷质量（颜色、对比。。。），存在形式（相纸、印刷品、数码文件。。。），PRESENTATION（如何装裱展示），没有一样是重要的。但是我现在也承认如果是在展览中，或者是网站上，其实一切也都很重要，因为是给别人看的，就好比你有一条想法，必须翻译好说出来别人才能懂，声音也要够大。但是IMAGE本身仍然高于一切。IMAGE本身又是什么的？现在回想过去拍照时，我只注意构图，可能还有颜色。现在觉得IDEA高于一切，当然我仍然喜爱构图还有颜色，不过也可以抛弃，如果我舍得的话。那么说起来，我是在用相机作设计（不是平面设计，我恨平面设计了）。

I used to believe in the value of image of itself more than anything. The quality(color, contrast…) of the print, the way it existed(photo paper, print reproduction, digital file…), it’s presentation(matted, framed …), none of these matters. But now I have to admit they are important, in an exhibition or on a website. Because it’s purpose is to show people. It’s like you have a great idea, you need to translate it well so that other can understand & you need to say it loud. But still the image itself is the most important thing. What’s image itself? Now I think back, I used to only paying attention to compostion, sometimes colors. Now I realize the idea is above all. Of course I still love compostion & color, but I’m willing to let them go if I can. In another word, I’m designing with camera (no long graphic design, I hate it now).

下了一张古迹图片库，里面全是无聊的建筑物照片。突然看到这个房间，终于感觉没有白下。 不知道这房间在哪，钓鱼台？

I found this in a stock photo CD, don’t know where it is. Another heart place.

今天刚听了Rineke Dijkstra的讲座回来，很兴奋。

她说道，她相信如果一个人足够专心，足够对各种发生的事保持敞开的态度，就会有奇迹发生。她从来不知道她的模特如何POSE，所有的都是自然而来的，你是无法去摆出来的。她关注的是人的状态，放下戒备的状态，或者是处于人生某种变化的阶段，或者是个人的变化，个人的特点。

个人的想法不必要复杂，只需要专注并且有RIGHT FEEL。

似乎所有的一流艺术家都不是为了满足自己的癖好，而是为了一个更加广泛的主题而创作的，这样的作品也往往更具普遍意义。

其实你永远不可能从一个人那里学到所有的东西，你要不停的从各个方面吸取知识，然后神奇的，你会发觉它们会变成一个系统。我甚至可以把从商业图片库摄影师身上学到的东西和她联系起来，或者是初级的电影课联系起来。所有的东西也都会自然而然的连续起来。

所以说，做艺术家也是一种命中注定的事。

另外想到的一件事是，我看西方人肖像的时候感觉肯定是和他们不一样的，他们在我眼里全是芭比啊！

I’m just back from Rineke Dijkstra’s lecture, very excited.

She believed if one is concerntrated enough, keep an open mind to everything that is going to happen, some miracle will happen. She never directs model how to pose, everything comes naturally. You can’t make the pose. She’s interested in people’s states of mind. When someone is unalert, or in the middle of a great change, people’s own uniqueness.

You don’t need to have a complicated mind, you just need to concerntrate & have the right feeling.

It seems to me now, all the best artists are not working to satisfy their own hobblies, they all work on a broader themes. These works will be more popular & meaningful.

& I think you can never learn everything from one person, you need to learn things from everything everyone around you. They will come together & form your system.

So in another sense, somebody is bound to be an artist.

The other thing that struck my mind is that I must feel differently when I see portraits of westerners as they see them. Coz they all look like barbie dolls to me.

我这几年来一直有种感觉。我无法感受到自己的生活，只能观察自己的生活并且揣摩自己应该有什么反应，然后再表演出来。不知道什么时候我已经变成了自己生活的观察者而不是本人。回想起小时候，每每被老师叫起来骂的时候，我都听得心安理得，好像是在听老师骂其他同学一样。也许我从来都没有真的出来生活过。 也许当中只是酒精作用，以为自己真的生活过。等酒精挥发后就醒来就更难受了。

摄影也是如此，从来都不认为自己有生活，而是去偷看别人的生活或者假装生活。

I’ve been having this feeling for years. I can’t feel my own life. I can only observe my life & try to guess what kind of reaction I should have, then act it out. Since when have I become my own life’s observer instead of being the one who lives it? Now I think back when I was young, whenever I was scolded by the teachers, I could always able to be contented. Almost like listening to the teacher scolding some other people. Maybe I’ve never lived my own life. Maybe I only thought I lived when I was drunk. After waking up from alcohol, I feel even worse.

Photography is also like this to me. Never think I own a life, I can only peep into other people’s life or pretend to live a life.